How you see me is our business

When others give us feedback, and we’re not all right with ourselves, we won’t be able to hear criticism without rationalizing, explaining, justifying, defending, making excuses, protesting, “That’s not who I am!” We’ll never learn how others see us while we're explaining to them how we think we really are.

On the other hand, if we're all right with ourselves, it’s also all right for us to make mistakes. And it’s all right for others to perceive something wrong in us, even if it doesn’t exist. We're still all right, even if others have misperceived us. And it’s even all right for others to continue with that misperception.

Then the question comes up, “But won’t that harm our relationship? Are we just supposed to let others keep believing their misperceptions?” Interestingly, other people can’t hear our explanations unless they ask. And if they never ask, it’s clear that they want their misperception. And in that case, it’s important to realize that their conceptions, accurate or not, are theirs. And we don’t even have a right to take that away from them.

“But it’s a misperception of me!” No, it’s not. It’s their misperception. It’s not ours, and it’s not us, and it doesn’t change who we are. It doesn’t change how we communicate or relate.

When we're so caught up in explaining to others how it really is according to us, then we’ll lose the benefit of hearing how others experience us – what they heard and what they saw.

The reality is that whatever they saw, they saw. And the fact that we had something else in mind is beside the point.

We probably already believe that we know who we are. And that’s not what we need to learn. What we need to learn is how others perceive us. Trying to convince them of our perceptions never works, because the arguments we use work for us, not for them.